T: "Mom, I'm so bored. I have nothing to do."
Me: "I can give you things to do."
L: "It can't be chores, or waltzing, or angry dancing."
Showing posts with label funny. Show all posts
Showing posts with label funny. Show all posts
Thursday, September 5, 2013
Sunday, October 7, 2012
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Buying Pants - Men vs. Women
Love this picture!
I am a woman, but act more like a man in this particular scenario. Actually, I wouldn't even be at the mall at the Gap. I'd be on the computer purchasing the pants.
To each his/her own...
I am a woman, but act more like a man in this particular scenario. Actually, I wouldn't even be at the mall at the Gap. I'd be on the computer purchasing the pants.
To each his/her own...
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Quote - Misery
On the show Everybody Loves Raymond, Raymond says:
"Misery, your company is here."
I guess someone that was negative arrived at the house.
Fuh-ney.
"Misery, your company is here."
I guess someone that was negative arrived at the house.
Fuh-ney.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
You Might Be a Mormon If...
So, here's something that is supposedly from Jeff Foxworthy, but he couldn't possibly know this without a good Mormon friend prompting him.
I believe that most of these are right on the mark from what I've seen:
Jeff Foxworthy on Mormons
This is to all of you that may be a Mormon, that may know a Mormon, that may live in Utah, that may have lived in Utah or have heard about Mormons.
If all your dishes have your name written on them with masking tape...You might be a Mormon.
If you postdate your checks while shopping on Sunday....You might be a Mormon.
If you believe heck is the place for people who do not believe in gosh...You might be a Mormon.
If your mom was pregnant at your sister's wedding reception....You might be a Mormon
If you pray that your food might "nourish and strengthen your body" before eating doughnuts....You might be a Mormon
If you think Jell-O is one of the basic food groups......You might be a Mormon
If at least one of your salad bowls is at a neighbor's house.......You might be a Mormon.
If you've ever written a "Dear-John" to more than two missionaries on the same day....You might be a Mormon
If you were frustrated when your son "only" got accepted to Harvard....You might be a Mormon.
If you have one kid in diapers and one on a mission....You might be a Mormon
If you have never arrived at a meeting on time....You might be a Mormon.
If you have more wheat stored in your basement than most third world countries....You might be a Mormon.
If you've already got your order in for volume 50 of "The Work and The Glory"...You might be a Mormon.
If you think it is all right to watch football on Sundays as long as a direct descendant of Brigham Young is playing...You might be a Mormon.
If you have to guess more than five times the name of the child you're disciplining...You might be Mormon.
If you automatically assume that BYOB means, Bring Your Own Burgers...You might be Mormon.
If you go to a party and someone spikes the punch with Pepsi...You might be a Mormon.
If you arrive to an activity an hour late and are the first person there...You might be a Mormon.
I believe that most of these are right on the mark from what I've seen:
Jeff Foxworthy on Mormons
This is to all of you that may be a Mormon, that may know a Mormon, that may live in Utah, that may have lived in Utah or have heard about Mormons.
If all your dishes have your name written on them with masking tape...You might be a Mormon.
If you postdate your checks while shopping on Sunday....You might be a Mormon.
If you believe heck is the place for people who do not believe in gosh...You might be a Mormon.
If your mom was pregnant at your sister's wedding reception....You might be a Mormon
If you pray that your food might "nourish and strengthen your body" before eating doughnuts....You might be a Mormon
If you think Jell-O is one of the basic food groups......You might be a Mormon
If at least one of your salad bowls is at a neighbor's house.......You might be a Mormon.
If you've ever written a "Dear-John" to more than two missionaries on the same day....You might be a Mormon
If you were frustrated when your son "only" got accepted to Harvard....You might be a Mormon.
If you have one kid in diapers and one on a mission....You might be a Mormon
If you have never arrived at a meeting on time....You might be a Mormon.
If you have more wheat stored in your basement than most third world countries....You might be a Mormon.
If you've already got your order in for volume 50 of "The Work and The Glory"...You might be a Mormon.
If you think it is all right to watch football on Sundays as long as a direct descendant of Brigham Young is playing...You might be a Mormon.
If you have to guess more than five times the name of the child you're disciplining...You might be Mormon.
If you automatically assume that BYOB means, Bring Your Own Burgers...You might be Mormon.
If you go to a party and someone spikes the punch with Pepsi...You might be a Mormon.
If you arrive to an activity an hour late and are the first person there...You might be a Mormon.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Funny - Performance Evaluation Quotes
Subject: Performance evaluation quotes
These quotes were reportedly taken from actual federal employee performance evaluations:
1. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this employee to breed
3. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
4. When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.
5. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
6. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
7. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
8. This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.
9. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to acheive them.
10. Got a full 6- pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
11. A gross ignoramus ? 144 times worse than an ordianary ignoramus.
12. He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier.
13. I would like to go hunting with him sometime.
14. He's been working with glue too much.
15. He would argue with a signpost.
16. He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.
17. When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.
18. If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one.
19. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
20. A prime candidate for natural de-selection.
21. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
22. Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
23. Has two brains: One is lost and the other is out looking for it.
24. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
25. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.
26. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
27. It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
28. One neuron short of a synapse.
29. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.
30. Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.
31. The wheel is turning but the hamster is dead.
These quotes were reportedly taken from actual federal employee performance evaluations:
1. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this employee to breed
3. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
4. When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.
5. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
6. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
7. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
8. This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.
9. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to acheive them.
10. Got a full 6- pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
11. A gross ignoramus ? 144 times worse than an ordianary ignoramus.
12. He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier.
13. I would like to go hunting with him sometime.
14. He's been working with glue too much.
15. He would argue with a signpost.
16. He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.
17. When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.
18. If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one.
19. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
20. A prime candidate for natural de-selection.
21. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
22. Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
23. Has two brains: One is lost and the other is out looking for it.
24. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
25. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.
26. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
27. It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
28. One neuron short of a synapse.
29. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.
30. Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.
31. The wheel is turning but the hamster is dead.
Funny - Kids in Church
KIDS IN CHURCH
>3-year-old, Reese:
>"Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name. Amen."
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife."
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys."
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer for several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word right up to the end of the prayer: "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>One particular four-year-old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>A Sunday school teacher asked her children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church." "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door?They're hushers."
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5 and Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,
>'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'" Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked. "He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered. The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
>
>3-year-old, Reese:
>"Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name. Amen."
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife."
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys."
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer for several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word right up to the end of the prayer: "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>One particular four-year-old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>A Sunday school teacher asked her children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church." "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door?They're hushers."
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5 and Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,
>'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'" Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked. "He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered. The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
>
Funny - Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?
Why did the Chicken Cross the Road?
GEORGE W. BUSH - We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.
COLIN POWELL - Now at the left of the screen, you clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.
HANZ BLIX - We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed access to the other side of the road.
JACQUES CHIRAC - We will veto any resolution regarding noncompliance of the chicken whether it has or has not crossed the road!
MOHAMMED ALDOURI (Iraq ambassador) - The chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete fabrication. We don't even have a chicken.
SADDAM HUSSEIN - This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
AL GORE - I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken crossing the road represented the application of these two different functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring greater services to the American people.
RALPH NADER - The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling
SUV.PAT BUCHANAN - To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.
RUSH LIMBAUGHI - don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet someone out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars, and when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government took from you to build roads for chickens to cross.
MARTHA STEWART - No one called to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the farmer's market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
JERRY FALWELL - Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what they call it -- the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too.I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side."
DR. SEUSS - Did the chicken cross the road?Did he cross it with a toad?Yes, The chicken crossed the road,But why it crossed, I've not been told!
ERNEST HEMINGWAY - To die. In the rain. Alone
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR. - I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
BARBARA WALTERS - Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.
BILL GATES - I have just released eChicken 2003, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.
ALBERT EINSTEIN - Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON - I did NOT cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please?
GRANDPA - In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
COLONEL SANDERS - I missed one?
GEORGE W. BUSH - We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.
COLIN POWELL - Now at the left of the screen, you clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.
HANZ BLIX - We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed access to the other side of the road.
JACQUES CHIRAC - We will veto any resolution regarding noncompliance of the chicken whether it has or has not crossed the road!
MOHAMMED ALDOURI (Iraq ambassador) - The chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete fabrication. We don't even have a chicken.
SADDAM HUSSEIN - This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
AL GORE - I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken crossing the road represented the application of these two different functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring greater services to the American people.
RALPH NADER - The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling
SUV.PAT BUCHANAN - To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.
RUSH LIMBAUGHI - don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet someone out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars, and when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government took from you to build roads for chickens to cross.
MARTHA STEWART - No one called to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the farmer's market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
JERRY FALWELL - Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what they call it -- the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too.I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side."
DR. SEUSS - Did the chicken cross the road?Did he cross it with a toad?Yes, The chicken crossed the road,But why it crossed, I've not been told!
ERNEST HEMINGWAY - To die. In the rain. Alone
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR. - I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
BARBARA WALTERS - Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.
BILL GATES - I have just released eChicken 2003, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.
ALBERT EINSTEIN - Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON - I did NOT cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please?
GRANDPA - In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
COLONEL SANDERS - I missed one?
Funny - Favorite Flower
While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Tom and his wife, Peg, listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other." He addressed the men, "Do you know your wife's favorite flower?" Tom leaned over, touched Peg's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?"
Funny - Parrot in the Freezer
A young man named Jon received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
Jon tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.
Finally Jon was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. Jon shook the parrot and the parrot got even angrier and more rude. Jon in desperation, threw up his hands and grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then, suddenly there was total quiet, not a peep was heard. Fearing that he had hurt the parrot, Jon quickly opened the door to the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jon's outstretched arm and said , " I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I am sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions. I fully intend to do everything I can do to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior ."
Jon was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. He was about to ask the parrot why he had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, but the bird continued...
"May I ask what the chicken did?"
Jon tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.
Finally Jon was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. Jon shook the parrot and the parrot got even angrier and more rude. Jon in desperation, threw up his hands and grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then, suddenly there was total quiet, not a peep was heard. Fearing that he had hurt the parrot, Jon quickly opened the door to the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jon's outstretched arm and said , " I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I am sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions. I fully intend to do everything I can do to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior ."
Jon was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. He was about to ask the parrot why he had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, but the bird continued...
"May I ask what the chicken did?"
Friday, June 26, 2009
Monday, May 11, 2009
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Funny - Football and the Blond...
FOOTBALL AND THE BLONDE......
Out of all the blonde jokes, this one has to be the best!
Football FINALLY makes sense..........
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had
great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked
her how she liked the experience.
'Oh, I really liked it,' she replied, 'especially the tight pants and
all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were
killing each other over 25 cents.'
Dumbfounded, her date asked, 'What do you mean?'
'Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of
the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the
quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!
Out of all the blonde jokes, this one has to be the best!
Football FINALLY makes sense..........
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had
great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked
her how she liked the experience.
'Oh, I really liked it,' she replied, 'especially the tight pants and
all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were
killing each other over 25 cents.'
Dumbfounded, her date asked, 'What do you mean?'
'Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of
the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the
quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!
Funny - Acts 2:38
Acts 2:38
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services, when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled: "Stop! Acts 2:38!", (Repent and be Baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ, so that your sins may be forgiven..) The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar: "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you."
"Scripture?" replied the burglar. "She said she had an Ax and Two 38s!"
Knowing scripture can save your life - in more ways than one!
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services, when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled: "Stop! Acts 2:38!", (Repent and be Baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ, so that your sins may be forgiven..) The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar: "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you."
"Scripture?" replied the burglar. "She said she had an Ax and Two 38s!"
Knowing scripture can save your life - in more ways than one!
Saturday, December 13, 2008
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Blog Pickles - Elf Yourself - Christmas fun!
Ok, if you didn't discover this website in years past, you must visit it this year and upload your personal picture to the site. Most people that try it think it's hilarious. It provided a few hours of entertainment last year with my family and friends.
Here's a sample or two:
http://elfyourself.jibjab.com/view/oHTYjpBd8cFVQZAOPNov
http://elfyourself.jibjab.com/view/mRl8ms1buCVTzuCcFFxT
Visit ElfYourself to make and share your own ElfYourself dance!
http://www.elfyourself.com/
Here's a sample or two:
http://elfyourself.jibjab.com/view/oHTYjpBd8cFVQZAOPNov
http://elfyourself.jibjab.com/view/mRl8ms1buCVTzuCcFFxT
Visit ElfYourself to make and share your own ElfYourself dance!
http://www.elfyourself.com/
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Blog Pickle - Serenity or Senility?
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied.
'Two years older than me.'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?'
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing
about being 104?' the reporter asked.
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'
Three old guys are out walking. First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?' Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'
I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.
I'm half blind,
can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
take 40 different medications that
make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation;
hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends.
But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
so I got my doctor's permission to
join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour.
But, by the time I got my leotards on,
the class was over.
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and
told her preacher she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second,
she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart <http://www.walmart.com/> .
'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed.
'Why Wal-Mart?'
'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week.'
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turned to the other and said: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim said, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but its state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty', he r eplied.
It's scary when you start making the same noises
as your coffee maker.
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed him to hear 100%. He went back in a month and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'
These days about half the stuff
in my shopping cart says,
'For fast relief.'
THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
the eyesight to tell the difference.
'Two years older than me.'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?'
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing
about being 104?' the reporter asked.
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'
Three old guys are out walking. First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?' Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'
I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.
I'm half blind,
can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
take 40 different medications that
make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation;
hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends.
But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
so I got my doctor's permission to
join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour.
But, by the time I got my leotards on,
the class was over.
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and
told her preacher she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second,
she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart <http://www.walmart.com/> .
'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed.
'Why Wal-Mart?'
'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week.'
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turned to the other and said: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim said, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but its state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty', he r eplied.
It's scary when you start making the same noises
as your coffee maker.
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed him to hear 100%. He went back in a month and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'
These days about half the stuff
in my shopping cart says,
'For fast relief.'
THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
the eyesight to tell the difference.
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